


Nobody.

by ScandalousMinds



Series: Confused Love [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Humor, Canon Related, Complicated Relationships, Dark Comedy, Dialogue, Dubcon Kissing, Dubious Consent, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Friends to Lovers, I Don't Even Know, I want tag fluff so bad but I don't know if it counts if it's only one-sided, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Inexperienced Sherlock, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, It's all messy and dubious, John Loves Sherlock, John-centric, M/M, Mental Anguish, Not A Fix-It, Not Happy, Poor John, Protective John, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, Sherlock Holmes and Feelings, Sherlock Loves John, Virgin Sherlock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1849912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScandalousMinds/pseuds/ScandalousMinds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John struggles with the decision he made to progress the nature of his relationship with Sherlock. </p>
<p>He truly had believed he could be with Sherlock...He may have been wrong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Prompt inspired fill.<br/>Read full prompt in notes below.</p>
<p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	Nobody.

**Author's Note:**

> Quick Note:  
> This fill is loosely based around the prompt found below, I was super in love with the idea of John's wanting to try a relationship with Sherlock but his sexuality getting in his way causing problems from him. So again, don't expect exactly what the prompt asks for but I did try to keep it in the same vain.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Full Prompt here:  
> http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/22393.html?replyto=130870649
> 
> Obviously, I don't own Sherlock I Just Belong to it's fandom!  
> Apologies for any spelling or grammar errors

 

 

**_‘Idiot. Idiot. What was I thinking? Stupid question. Wasn’t. Wasn’t thinking. Just… acted. Rashly. Too rashly. Too angry. Too sad. Didn’t think. Idiot.’_ **

****

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

John lay in a very small bed with a very large man, hating himself. Hating himself, for what he’d just done and hating himself even more for what he was going to do. What he was going to _have_ to do. He was going to have to break his best friend’s heart. It was… _unavoidabl **e**_ at this point ( ** _Idiot_** ).

Almost as soon as Sherlock’s tongue had entered his mouth and Sherlock’s large hands had began wondering along his body, John _knew_ just _knew_ he’d promised this man something he couldn’t deliver on.

Dr. John Hamish Watson, had never broken a promise in his life. He’d never given up on Harry, just like he’d promised his mother. He’d never not called a girl after promising to. He’d even kept his promise to never take off his wedding ring, although that promise was dangerously close of being destroyed too.

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

**_‘I’ve made such a mistake’_** ****

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** ****

He couldn’t go through with this.

 

He had believed for a moment…

Actually expected, he would have been able to…

Was sure he could...

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

**_‘God.’_  **

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

For a _second,_ he had honestly held the belief that he could _be_ with Sherlock, really be with him. Except apparently loving someone, doesn’t mean you can be in a relationship with them. Or at least... sexually.

 

> _“John… John, are you sure?” Sherlock had panted._
> 
> _“Yes.” John had proclaimed, so easily he had almost believed it himself. For a **second**._
> 
> _“But… you’re… you’re not—.” Sherlock had tried to reason._
> 
> _“I know… but it’s you, Sherlock. You’re more than **just** a man to me.”_

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

**_‘Jesus, I should have listened.’_**  

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

 

**_‘Why did I think I could do this? Oh, right. Didn’t think! I never think!’_ **

****

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

**_‘So. So. So. Stupid! What a complete ars—“_ **

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

John was unceremoniously cut off right in the middle of berating himself, by a clueless and happy (oh, God, he was so happy) sleeping consulting detective cuddling closer to him.

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

**_‘Jesus! I can’t breathe…’_ **

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

John, took in the innocent vulnerability that was plastered across the younger man’s face and he honestly felt as though, he might as well of been staring into a dark, cold, endless void. This man, lying across him. This beautiful, mad, charming madman was his life. He would die for this man. Kill for him. Leave his bloody wife for shooting him. But, yet… the thought of having Sherlock touch him the way he had touched him tonight, made John feel haunted in his own skin.

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

_‘_ **Maybe I could fake it.’**  

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

**_‘I did it once. Maybe…’_** the very thought of repeating this… _whatever_ this was. Made John feel nauseous. Which made him feel even worse. He wasn’t that man. Homosexuality, didn’t repulse him. He had gay friends, a gay sister for-God’s sake. But…

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

**_‘Jesus! Why is there always a ‘but’?’_  ** 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

_But,_ John had barely gotten through those 26 minutes. He had spent the whole time with his eyes screwed shut counting down the minutes. While Sherlock had whimpered and cursed on top of him, thinking that the shudders rippling through John’s body was lust rather than loathing.

John had never hated Sherlock. Ever. Even, after he’d came back. Came back and mocked, actually ‘ _mocked_ ’ his bloody moustache. Yes, he had been angry. Furious, in fact. Yet, he had never hated him but as John lay on that very small bed with that very large man rubbing himself up against him. He had to admit, he had come close to feeling hatred for this man. For, Sherlock. Which was _wrong_ and unfair, since Sherlock had warned him. No. Sherlock had begged him not to start something he couldn’t finish and he had rebuffed Sherlock’s concern with derisive stubbornness. ( ** _Idiot_** )

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

_“Can, you believe her?” John had exclaimed after storming into 221B. Returning, with Sherlock from the flat he had shared with Mary. Carrying, his angrily packed things. “She actually thinks, I’ll want her after what she did to you. God! I truly do have the worst taste in women, don’t I? Well... no more. I'm done. I’ll take a leaf out of your book. Stick to the work. Then we’ll all be safe.”_

_John had huffed dropping his bags and sitting down heavily in his chair._

_“John, she didn’t kill me. If she had truly wanted to, she—. ” Sherlock’s argument for Mary had died in his throat, after seeing the coldness in John’s eyes._

_“Don’t!” John had pointed sharply at the taller man. “Don’t defend her. That-” John had lowered his finger to point in the center of Sherlock chest “-is indefensible. I can’t stay with her. Reasons, be damned. I can’t believe you’re protecting her, after she hurt you. Nobody, hurts you Sherlock. Nobody.”_

_“John…” Sherlock had whispered reverently._

_“What?” John had snapped, still wound-up after his run in with Mary, just moments ago. “Sorry. Sorry Sherlock, what is it?”_

_“You’re—you’re choosing… me? Choosing me… over Mary?” The look of puzzlement on Sherlock’s face had surprised John, he’d found it… endearing._

_“Of course. Of course I’m choosing you.” The doctor, had answered without even having to think about it._

_Sherlock however simply ‘stalled’. Only retreating from his mind palace, half an hour later after John had already unpacked and arranged his things back in his old room._

_“But, you love her…” Sherlock had continued as if his last sentence was only seconds ago._

_“Yes. But, I love you more. God. Isn’t that obvious to you, yet?” John had sighed as he went back to sitting in his chair and staring into the fireplace, trying to think of just how Mary had fooled him only to be confronted head on with his not so well supressed feelings of anger, betrayal and overwhelming sadness._

_John was brought back from his maudlin thoughts by Sherlock breaking the silence once again._

_“You… love… me? Me?”_

_“Sherlock, I’ve told you this before. I told you when, I ask you to be my best man and twice after that. Why are you acting as if this is new news?”_

_“I—I hadn’t believed you.”_

_“Why not you daft sod?”_

_“People don’t—I’m not—I’m not loveable.”_

_“Oh, Sherlock. See. This. This, is why I have to choose you.”_

_“I don’t understand.” Sherlock furrowed his eyebrows._

_“Exactly. You don’t expect to be—Jesus, maybe I should have married you instead.” John had Joked only to see Sherlock’s face do rather strange things._

_“Don’t. Don’t, say things like that to me. John.” The detective had all but pleaded quietly._

_“I’m sorry Sherlock, it was only a joke.”_

_“Exactly! Being with me shouldn’t be a joke. My feelings shouldn’t be a joke to you.”_

_“Feelings?” John had quizzed._

_“Yes, John! The machine can feel! You see… you say you love me but you don’t expect any more of me than bloody Donovan.” Sherlock had hissed out, as his face had flashed warring emotions._

_“No. God, no. Sherlock, that wasn’t what I meant. I meant… ‘Feelings’? As in you have feelings? For… me I mean?”_

_“… I… I… John you should know, I don’t expect anything to—“_

_“What if I said, okay?” John had asked as much to himself as to Sherlock. “What would happen then?”_

_“Please, don’t!” Sherlock had whispered “I may not use it often, but I do have… a heart. And it can be broken… and you shouldn’t say things—no! Let me finish. You shouldn’t say things you don’t mean. It—it would… hurt… me. I can be hurt John.”_

_“When have I ever hurt you, Sherlock?”_

_Sherlock didn’t even hesitate “Never.”_

_“Well then, why do you think I’ll start now?”_

_“But, you’re not gay. I can be your friend. I can do that as easily as I can breathe, but if you allow me to love you all the way, with everything I have… I wouldn’t even… I wouldn’t know how to go back to what we have now. It could destroy me.”_

_“Shh” and just like that John had placed a chaste kiss to Sherlock plush mouth and it was ‘fine’ no fireworks but not every kiss he’d had, had been amazingly life changing either._

_And so, he placed his mouth against Sherlock’s again and this time Sherlock reacted more heatedly. Until, he had pulled back._

_“John… John, are you sure?” Sherlock had panted._

_“Yes.” John had proclaimed, so easily he had almost believed it himself. For a **second**._

_“But… you’re… you’re not—.” Sherlock had tried to reason._

_“I know… but it’s you, Sherlock. You’re more than **just** a man to me.”_

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

**_‘Idiot’_  ** ****

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

 

**_‘Tomorrow will be the worst day of my life. He’s going to HATE me. No. He won’t, he’ll pretend he’s fine and that… that will be worse.’_ **

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

John, most likely couldn’t say how long he’d laid there rigid. Willing, his body to find something comforting in Sherlock’s intimate, touch. However, Sherlock’s head pillowed against his neck, felt like a noosed-stone crushing him and the young detective’s warm limbs intertwined with his, felt like ten ton chains drowning him in his own guilt and regrets.

As John turned his head to gaze at the early morning light straining through the windows, he realised he’d spent the whole night, cushioned under the sleeping detective. Soaked in their combined sweat and… well, there were more bodily fluids on him then he cared to think about.

John remained gazing unseeingly at the window praying simultaneously that Sherlock would hurry up and wake up so he could roll away and praying Sherlock sleep forever so he wouldn’t have to face him.

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

**_‘Coward!’_  ** ****

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

Sherlock snuggled even closer to John and the doctor couldn’t hold in the suppressed groan he had being holding onto since having Sherlock between his legs. John froze immediately as he felt lips press a gentle kiss to his pulse point. John knew Sherlock could feel his pulse elevate.

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

**_‘Maybe I won’t have to tell him. Maybe he’ll feel my pulse and just know. Maybe I won’t have to say, he’ll just— Oh God! He thinks its arousal and… yes, he’s beginning to answer… in kind!’_  ** ****

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

“Mmm… Good morning.” The detective purred and John shivered with queasiness.

“Morning.” John croaked in response trying not to breath in their combined smells. As he was barely controlling the gambols his stomach was already making.

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

**_‘Oh God!’_ **

**_‘Come on Watson. You’re a doctor, Erections are a normal morning reaction. He’s just a normal healthy man. Relax. No. Don’t relax. Tell him! Tell him now!’_ **

**_‘Do it now! Before he—‘_ **

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** ****

 

“You know, John— “      Sherlock began.

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

**_‘Balls!’_  ** ****

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

“I can’t believe you’re here. With me. Well, obviously. What I mean is… I never thought anyone would… especially some like you… What, I mean to say is… I’ve never been… wanted. Before. It’s overwhelming how life-changing this feels. ”

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   *** 

**_‘Sweet Jesus, please don’t be saying what I think you’re saying.’_  ** 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

 

“W—what are you saying?” John had asked not truly wanting to know.

“Good Lord! Are you going to actually make me say the words?”

“Just so we’re both— just so I’m sure, I’m understanding you.”

“You were my first.” Sherlock all but hummed into John’s neck nibbling him along the way.

John inhaled sharply. “First what?”

“Good, grief John. Time. You, were my first sexual experience.”

“Oh, God. Oh. God.”

 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

**_‘I think I may actually cry.’_  ** ****

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

“It’s okay John, you don’t have to worry about your performance. I thought you were… transcendent.” Sherlock glowed. “To be quite honest I’m surprised you’d, choose someone like myself to consummate your new sexual exploration with. I’m so unfamiliar, with this feeling… I don’t think I’ve ever experienced… 'happy' before."

John lay stock still as Sherlock crawled on top of him kissing his way down John’s jaw, neck and chest. His eye’s prickled with unshed tears that were treacherously close to breaking lid. John tried and failed to find a way to gently let his best friend down, his best friend whose virginity he had unknowingly taken.

John lay thinking as Sherlock kissed his way into his mouth hungrily. When Sherlock pulled back his eye’s questioning why John was just lying there. Sherlock’s eyes that had been burning bright with anticipation and excitement, dimmed. Flickering with worry, rejection and hurt. And, just like that John surged forward kissing Sherlock back furiously. Kissing him with everything he had until Sherlock clung to him moaning as he rutted against him. When Sherlock was too distracted to pay attention to John’s level of enthusiasm, John allowed Sherlock to take over once again. John, groaned as he lay drowning in his own self-hatred, guilt and shame.

He could have told Sherlock right then…

But… then he’d seen the hurt in _his_ Sherlock’s eyes and just for a second he’d thought… maybe. Maybe, he could do it. Maybe, he’d tell him tomorrow. Maybe, Sherlock would tire of him naturally.

Or maybe the most likely outcome would be that John would just splinter apart. Shattering from all the cracks that keeping his promises had created.

But, he couldn’t... say... now.

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

 

"Mmm, I love you, John." Sherlock had mumbled against his shoulder wound. His tongue sneaking along the doctor's tanned skin. 

John closed his eyes. Praying a new prayer for his tears not to fall. And, Whispered the words back with all he had. "I love you too, Sherlock."

 

 

> _“Nobody, hurts you Sherlock. Nobody.”_

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this was okay. My first (Kinda) prompt fill.  
> I was sort of scared.  
> Thank you for reading.
> 
> x


End file.
